But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
