Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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