yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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