After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
