I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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