I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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