I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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