i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
