8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
