you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
