I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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