got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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