i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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