There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My penis needs a shock collar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
