This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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