If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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