So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
