I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
