I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
