So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
