This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
