you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
