just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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