I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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