20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
