she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
