Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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