Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
