She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
