i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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