look no pants
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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