Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
