a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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