No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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