Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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