The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
