my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
