Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
