I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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