I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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