I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
