Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Holy sore nipples Batman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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