Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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