you mean i was at the winter classic?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
