I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
