She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
