And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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