I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
