I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
