Im at strip club and am horny
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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