My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just high enough for therapy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
