he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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