Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
