i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
