from now on my penis is your penis
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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