Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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