Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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