Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hippo gnu deer
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize