So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
