I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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